Five Simple Steps to Writing Letters for Healing
If you are ready to write, grab your pen and get started! However, if you would like some suggestions see the five steps below.
Letter writing can be a stepping stone, allowing you to reach an entirely fresh perspective on the relationship you are exploring.
If you decide to contribute, here’s what we are looking for: We would like you to share with us your experience of your relationship with the person you’ve chosen to write to. Tell us how it has affected your life and who you are. While we found the letter format to be the most constructive, your writing may be a letter or poem. Let your creativity and your heart guide you. If you are not submitting your writing to us, you might find there is another format that works best for you. Use what works!
Step 1: What do I need?
If you are accustomed to composing at a keyboard, give our method a try, using paper and a pen or pencil accesses a different emotional pathway.
* Preferably a quiet environment
You might find it helpful to have soothing music playing in the background.
* A dedicated period of time to write
The whole idea is to simply get started. For many, that can be the hardest step! You’ll be amazed at how the words flow once you get those first few down on paper.
Step 2: Who do I write to and what do I say?
Your letter can be directed to anyone you have unresolved issues with. Or perhaps you have something to say to someone, words that have remained unspoken. That someone can be a parent, a child, a sibling, a friend, an enemy, a pet—there are no limits. The recipient may be alive, deceased, present, or absent.
One way to help you decide what to say is to picture the person you’ve chosen to write to in front of you. What would you like to say to him/her? Look for one or two events involving the person that you would like to talk about. Then write as you would talk to him/her.
Step 3: What do I do?
Write! Put your pen on paper and write.
It helps to choose an opening (example: Dear Dad, Hi Mom, Hey Pig Head, etc.) to set the tone for the letter. Just let your thoughts and feelings flow.
To capture the essence of what you are feeling, write with as little censorship, monitoring and critiquing of your thoughts and words as possible. Grammar and spelling are unimportant at this point. You can make corrections later if you decide to send the letter.
Step 4: I’m stuck—what now?
* Take a few deep breaths. Or get up and walk around for a few minutes.
* Notice the sensations in your body. Does your stomach, throat or another part of your body feel tight? Write about the feelings. Example: “My throat hurts and I can’t breathe. This used to happen to me when you . . .”
* Ask yourself questions. They can be about the one to whom you are writing or the situation(s) that you have chosen. Examples:
- What haven’t I shared with you that I need to?
- What was one of our more difficult experiences that in time became a gift?
- What have I not thanked you for that I would like to now?
- How does the situation change if I look at it from your perspective?
- What might I have done differently that would have helped the outcome be more constructive?
- If I could “reframe” the event, how would I like it to have occurred?
- What have I learned from you (or the experience) that has shaped who I am?
Step 5: Am I done yet?
Letter writing can be emotional—sometimes unwelcome feelings come to the surface or old memories are awakened. So stay with it! Translating the intangible to the tangible holds the key to the healing process.
Be mindful—although at first you may need to “unload” your thoughts and feelings, your eventual goal is to connect. Simply writing whatever comes to mind on your first several drafts can help you get started (and keep going). However, as you explore the relationship and events more deeply, you may find your perception shifting. Once emotions are less volatile, you may find it helpful to edit your letter before you send it. The wording you use in your final version is most effective if you don’t blame and finger-point, and you use “I” statements.
Do write as many versions as you need. It can take several attempts to get to what you really want to say. Remember, you can save, burn, shred or find another use for all those preceding drafts!
Don’t send a letter in haste that you will later regret. This will only work against you if your original goal is healing.
A safe rule for when to send a letter is:
* If you are expressing love and/or gratitude, send it before you lose your nerve!
* If you are sharing less positive feelings, wait at least 24 hours!
Finally:
Even if you never send your letter, you have taken a step toward healing your relationship, or expressing previously unspoken gratitude. What better gift could you give that person—and yourself—than a meaningful and rewarding relationship?
***
“Kindness is in our power,
even when fondness is not.”
Samuel Johnson